Love Your Enemy? Maybe Not, But At Least Try To Understand Them

It frustrates the hell out of me when people go into a conversation assuming the other person is wrong.  You see this all the time in politics but you also see it in day to day life.  We all do it to some extent and we seem to be doing it a lot more in the past few years.  Rather than going into a situation assuming that the other person could have a good point or two and that, even if they don’t, their motivation is probably good, we just assume they’re stupid, or evil, or both.

“My mom is annoying, she just wants to ruin my life!”

My mother used to constantly annoy me with her constant attempts to feed me and nonstop calls.  Even though I was trying to lose weight and get in shape, there she was offering me treats, making my favorite (unhealthy) foods and constantly telling me about all the good dishes she had waiting for me at her house.  This would drive me crazy.  Couldn’t she see that this was getting in the way of my goals?  Plus why oh why could she not stop calling me?  She would call me to say hi, call me to ask me how my dog was doing, call me to complain about her boss and on and on and on.  Why couldn’t she see these were things I had no interest in talking about?  I’m a busy guy, leave me alone.  Honestly, there was a part of me that thought she was doing it specifically to annoy me.  Except that part me was being stupid.

You know why my mother tried to tempt me with food and pester me with calls about inconsequential stuff?  Because in the years after I graduated from college my mother and I had grown distant.  Our relationship was strained and there were many times in which we didn’t speak much to one another.  She wasn’t trying to annoy me or sabotage my health goals, she was trying to reconnect with me and doing so in the best possible ways she knew.  Could she have thought through her methods a bit better?  Sure, but was there anything malicious or misguided in them?  Absolutely not.  She remembered how much I enjoyed food as a child and how much I loved dogs and was simply trying to reconnect in the best way she knew how.  Once I understood that, we found a number of better ways to reconnect and our relationship is now better than it has been in years.  The trick was in having empathy, in trying to see her side of things, in seeing her as a mother trying to love her child, not annoy him.

On To Politics

At this point, most of you are nodding your heads and thinking to yourselves, “wow! That Gal is an idiot, anyone can see that his mother was just trying to love him” and maybe you’re right.  However, if you think it’s so easy, why don’t you apply this same idea to something a bit harder?

Let’s try that same thing with something else, politics.  For me, the problem with modern politics is that we all assume our opponents are horrible people who are trying to destroy our country.  Again, very few people are actually out to destroy their own country.  Could they be trying to do something you oppose or disagree with?  Sure.  Could they be trying to do something for their own benefit which might be harmful to the overall health of the country?  Sure.  However, it’s highly unlikely that their main goal is to actually harm you.

I witnessed an argument a while back about a very contentious subject, abortion.  Both sides lacked any and all empathy for one another and in so doing they basically guaranteed that they would never resolve their argument.  The pro choice side assumed their opponents were out to oppress women while the pro life side assumed their opponents were out to kill babies.  The argument quickly devolved into name calling and accusations of murder on both sides.  Sounds productive, doesn’t it?  And yet, this is a microcosm of our political world in general.  Rather than trying to see the real reason for why the people we disagree with do the things they do, we automatically assume the worst.  They’re stupid, they’re evil, they’re out to do bad things, they’re out to harm us or possibly all of the above.

Understanding Does Not Mean Condoning or Agreeing With

Unfortunately, too many people refuse to try and understand why people do something because they equate it with condoning.  They confuse empathy with agreement.  Let me correct that here and now.  Trying to understand why someone performs an action in no way means you agree with it, condone it, support it or even like it.

I can try to understand why a criminal committed his crime, a murderer committed murder or a terrorist committed a horrible act without condoning or agreeing with them.  In fact, I think we must try to understand because without understanding motives we will never be able to stop such acts from reoccurring.  I can try to understand why a leader proposes a solution even if I don’t agree with it and understanding these motivations does not mean I have to support this idea.  I can understand why my boss acts the way he does and it really helps me get along with him even though I don’t agree with his actions.  Again, understanding does NOT mean agreement.  It simply means you understand why the other person is doing what they’re doing.  Once you understand all this, you can start applying this idea to everything from your mother to terrorists without worrying that this makes you a bad person.

And no, saying you understand because you think the other side is stupid, evil or both is not good enough.  Most people are not in fact evil or stupid, they simply have different motivations or belief systems than you do.  Your beliefs and their beliefs may not be compatible, but trying to understand their beliefs and motivations will give you a much greater chance at resolving the conflict.

A World of Possibilities

The day I understood this idea was an amazing day in my life.  It allowed me to see the world with new eyes.  No longer did I see people out to harm me.  Instead I saw people out to achieve their own goals, satisfy their needs and resolve their conflicts.  Instead of seeing potential enemies and obstacles, I saw potential allies and help.  All because I quickly saw many ways in which I could align my own goals with theirs or ways in which I could convince them to cooperate with me and still achieve their goals.  This was only possible because I took the time to understand their motivations.

So I don’t care how horrible you think the other person is or how horrifying you think their actions are.  Always try to understand WHY they do what they do and always assume they’re doing it for reasons they believe are good and right.  Apply this idea to everyone from your mother and friends to politicians and terrorists.  It’s the only way we’re ever going to resolve some of these conflicts.  And who knows, maybe we’ll learn something new in the process.