How To Give A Proper Apology

I’m sorry!

I apologize!

How many times have you uttered those words?  No, I don’t mean when you bump into someone in the street and mumble a casual “I’m sorry” or “excuse me” and then move on without thinking.  I mean, how many times have you really said I’m sorry or apologized to someone?  Did you ever bother to think about what you’re doing?  You’re literally saying “I’m sorry.  Something I did was bad and wrong.”  This is no minor thing.  It’s a serious confession to make with real repercussions and yet too many of us take apologies for granted.  We say we’re sorry and then move on without a second though, even though an apology is a very important way of saying you care and, if you screw it up, you show that you really don’t care that much.  So pay attention now, because you don’t want to screw this up again.

First, Don’t Say It Unless You Mean It

Oh how I hate those insincere apologies.  We’ve all heard them, from the customer service person who doesn’t really care, from the child who just wants to get out of trouble, from the friend who’s about to do the same thing yet again or from the loved one who wants to avoid the topic altogether.  “I’m sorry” they say and expect everything to be good again.

Newsflash!  Insincere apologies are very obvious and they’re far more likely to make the other person feel worse than they are to improve the situation.  Use them at your own risk.  Frankly, I would rather have someone tell me they believe they did nothing wrong than give me an insincere apology.  At least with the former I respect their honesty as opposed to the latter which comes across as them insulting my intelligence.

Second, It’s The Consequences That Matter

This is a very important one for men to understand since a lot of us seem clueless here.  It’s also related to item 1 above.  Let’s say you come home late one day because you had an important meeting at work.  Your wife / girlfriend / fiancé / whatever! Is frustrated and upset because she was worried about where you were.  You think she’s overreacting and that your actions were fine.  Do you apologize?  Should you?  The answer is, absolutely!  But didn’t I just say you shouldn’t apologize unless you mean it?  Why am I now telling you to apologize for actions that you think were perfectly fine?

Because I’m not asking you to apologize for staying at work late.  You’re right, that makes perfect sense and if you think it was reasonable to do then you have no need to apologize for it.  However, the fact remains that your significant other feels bad.  She was stressed, she was worried, she was afraid.  Doesn’t this make you feel bad?  Don’t you CARE?  Of course you do.  It would make me feel bad to know that I caused stress and worry to a loved one and I’m sure it does the same to you.  Therefore, this is what you should apologize for.  “I’m sorry for worrying you hon, I didn’t mean to” would go a long way in this situation.  Note that you’re not apologizing for your actions of staying late for a business meeting (which you think are fine).  Instead, you’re apologizing for their consequences which were making her worried and upset (which were in fact bad).

This applies to all situations, not just domestic ones.  Let’s say you screwed up at work and didn’t deliver something to a customer on time.  This causes them to miss a deadline or lose a big deal.  Don’t just say “sorry for missing that shipment.”  Acknowledge the consequences.  Add that “I realize it made you miss your own deadline and I regret that”.  It shows that you care not just about your own business but theirs as well, something every good businessman or woman should care about.

Remember, an apology is not just about your actions, it’s also about the consequences of those actions.  In fact, in most cases, I think it’s the consequences that matter more and therefore are what you should be apologizing for, assuming you care.

Third, Don’t Use Apologies To Make Excuses

“I’m sorry for making you upset but I was just doing my job” is not an apology, it’s an excuse.  All those words before the “but” are meaningless because you’re trying to explain yourself.  Apologies are not about explaining yourself, they’re about saying you’re sorry and showing you care.  Do NOT try to turn an apology into an excuse.  Say you’re sorry, say what you’re sorry for and be done with it.  If they want to know why you did it, they’ll ask.  Otherwise, move on.

LEARN!

It’s not enough to say you’re sorry, if you really cared you would actually do something to make sure this didn’t happen again.  Amazon.com, a company that has consistently been rated as one of the best in the business for customer service, has a policy for handling customer service issues.  After each customer service complaint that they resolve, Amazon staff analyzes the situation and comes up with why the issue happened and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  This is the mark of caring.

If you screwed up, admit it, apologize for it and then take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  You made your wife angry because you stayed at work late without telling her?  Ok.  Say you’re sorry for worrying her and then figure out how to make this not happen again.  Perhaps a simple text message next time you need to stay late would do the trick.  Did you make your customer angry because you screwed up a delivery deadline?  Deal with the issue, apologize for messing this up and then figure out a way to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

Apologizing and then repeating your actions is actually worse than not apologizing.  You know the consequences of your actions is bad, you care about those bad consequences and yet you do it again.  What does that say about you?

So remember:

1. Don’t say it unless you mean it
2. Apologize for the consequences, not just the actions
3. Don’t make your apology into an excuse
4. Figure out a way to make it never happen again

Oh, one last thing.  Apologizing does not make you seem weak.  In fact, a good honest apology has the exact opposite effect.  It takes a strong person to admit when they’re wrong, and an even stronger one to make a sincere apology.