Yes, you! The guy who refuses to say where he wants to go to lunch and just says “where ever you want to go”. Yes, you! The girl who says “oh honey, I don’t care where we go on vacation as long as we have fun”.  Yes you! The coworker who says “whenever you want to meet, just let me know.” You folks and your unwillingness to make a decision are driving the rest of us crazy!

Maybe if you really didn’t care what you ate, where you went on vacation and when you met then this behavior would be fine. However, you actually do care. The rest of us know this because when we suggest something you say “oh, not that” or “oh, I’m busy then”. That’s right, you don’t care unless we suggest something you don’t like in which case you reject our suggestion and wait for us to make another one, and this what drives us crazy.

Listen, you’re not doing anyone a favor when you play the martyr. I know it’s makes you feel good to be giving, to allow others to get what they want and to pretend like you’re only concerned with their happiness, but believe me when I say this, your efforts are having the exact opposite effect. We don’t appreciate you for only caring about our needs and being willing to give up your own because that’s absolutely not true. We resent you for forcing us to try and read your mind. We’re annoyed because you want to offload the decision making process to us, feel smug about your desire to please and still get your way.

So, now that I’ve ranted a little…

Let’s get smart here, this is after all self improvement for smart people, not random internet rant site 2341. When you say things like “I don’t care, you choose”, you could mean one of two things:

1. You really don’t care. This is a perfectly valid answer in some cases. For example, my friend asks me “Do I want to go to get Mexican food at Taco Bell or Burgers at McDonald’s?” I consider both restaurants to be crappy and try to avoid both as much as possible, but if these are my only two options then I really don’t care. My friend might as well make the choice and just inform me of where I’m going.
2. My girlfriend asks me “where would you like to go on vacation?” and I answer “wherever honey, I don’t care.” This is passive aggressive crap! Yes, I do care. I hate Europe for example and I love beach resorts. (I’m just kidding honey, I love your idea for a European vacation!) So when she comes back with an idea for a great trip to Italy, we have a problem. I’m not going to be very happy at which point she’s going to be upset and she’ll have every right to be. I’m the one who failed at communication here, I clearly cared about the outcome but I failed to communicate that. I somehow expected her to read my mind, know that I hate Europe and come up with a good vacation plan.

Essentially, what you’re actually saying in these situations is “Oh, I don’t care. Why don’t I sit here and do no work? However, you better pick something I like too or else I’ll be upset.” That’s just wrong and it’s a very poor way to communicate.

If you truly don’t care about something, which means you will absolutely not mind one way or another which decision gets made, then fine. However, if you do care but still don’t want to make a decision, then how about trying one of the following, smarter, methods of communication:

1. Well, I don’t really mind as long as… – For example, when I ask my girlfriend what she wants for dinner, she usually answers with “You know what I dislike, anything else is good”, which is a perfectly reasonable answer. She’s eliminated the choices she would refuse to accept with her “You know what I dislike” which I do in fact know. At that point she really doesn’t care anymore. So whatever I pick is fine.
2. I’d prefer X, but I’m willing to accept other stuff as long as it’s not Y… – This is another method by which you can still let the other person make a decision but with your stated preferences. You’re saying what you prefer, what you’re willing to accept and what you’re unwilling to accept. For example, if you’re trying to setup a meeting with a coworker, don’t just say “whenever is fine” because I know that’s not true. How about saying “well, I’d prefer to meet on Monday in the afternoon but Tuesday and Wednesday all day can also work. Just as long as it’s not Thursday or Friday.”

Both of these methods work because you’re stating your preferences. You’re not just providing zero information and yet expecting the other person to make a choice which meets your needs. However, note that in both these cases you’re still expecting the other person to do the hard work of making a decision. Whether that’s good or not is up to you and the other person involved in this discussion. Sometimes there is one person who makes decisions and sometimes you’ll alternate or make decisions together. Any of these options is fine as long as you’re both stating preferences.

And that’s the key takeaway from today’s post.  If you care about the outcome of a decision then participate in the making of that decision, at the very least by stating preferences.  In the words of the greatest philosopher mankind ever produced “If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice”.

P.S. This was one of the many lessons that was reinforced for me through my month long experiment from radical honesty.  Stating your preferences is always better.

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