Have you ever found yourself in an argument? Of course you have, everyone has. I’m sure even the Dalai Lama occasionally gets annoyed at the people who launder his robes and starts telling them they’re incompetent jackasses! Well, ok, the Dalai Lama probably doesn’t do that, but unless you’re a spiritual leader who has attained some sort of state of nirvana, you’ve had plenty of arguments with people ranging from complete strangers to your closest friends and loved ones. How have you done? Have you won those arguments?

Actually, let me ask a better question, have you lost any of those? Think carefully here because, if you’re like me, you probably can’t remember too many arguments which you lost. Now consider the fact that most people are just like us. They too cannot remember a time in which they lost an argument.

So what’s going on here? How can it be possible that no one has ever lost an argument? Are we all arguing with ourselves? Are we arguing with our imaginary friends who we always beat in a spirited debate? Nope, the answer is simple, we don’t think we lost any arguments because we cannot comprehend that possibility. We’re so entrenched in our opinions that we simply cannot see the possibility of being wrong. Actually, let me correct that. Once we get into the mindset of a heated argument, we close ourselves off to the possibility that our viewpoint can be wrong. This is an important distinction because I’m about to teach you a magic trick to win those important arguments with the people who matter the most. Ready for it? It’s simple. Stop arguing.

The Awful Truth of Arguments

You cannot win an argument once it’s escalated into the realm of anger, frustration and other heated emotions. You can bring the most incontrovertible proof to the discussion and your opposition will still not admit they’re wrong. They will call you names, bring your credibility into doubt, pull in other unrelated issues and the whole thing will spin out of control. And yes, you’ve done these things too.  Don’t lie. We all do it. When we get angry and argumentative all bets are off.

I’ve seen people say the most awful things when they argue, hurtful things that have no business being said to complete strangers, much less loved ones and friends, and all because we argue. So I want you to carefully listen now because I care about you, I want you to be happy and in order to be happy you need to have good relationships.

Another Awful Truth About Arguments

Arguments are the destroyers of good relationships. They leave scars that last far beyond the time when the argument itself was forgotten. They tear up connections and replace them with nothing but pain and hateful memories. They cause you to belittle and insult the people that you love, just because you want to feel right. It’s not worth it. As someone who once nearly destroyed his marriage over a stupid argument about dishes, you have to believe me, it’s not worth being right if it means destroying your relationships. Heck, it’s not even worth it to be right if it means hurting a total stranger.

The Solution

So what’s the answer? If arguing never leads to anything good, how do we stop it? We still need to resolve things, don’t we? Of course. I’m not saying we shouldn’t resolve things, I’m just saying you need to stop before things get heated and out of control.  Next time you feel yourself getting heated about some discussion, stop and ask yourself, is being right worth hurting the person I’m talking to? If I continue this way will I achieve anything productive? If you need to, take a break from the discussion, go for a walk, pet the dog, do whatever it is you need to do in order to calm down. I would also highly recommend considering the other side’s point of view and reminding yourself that they’re not really out to hurt you.

I know it sounds difficult but it’s worth it. Yes, It’s going to require a degree of self control to do this, but once it becomes a habit, you will never have those fights you end up regretting, and that’s worth it. There is no argument worth more than hurting the people you love. Furthermore, you will never change their mind when you get into that mode. They will dig in deeper as will you and the only result will be pain and misery. No, if you want to win an argument, stop it before it happens.  If it did happen, stop it, make a true apology and then have a genuine discussion where both sides discuss what they think, why they think it and what’s the best resolution for the problem.

Now If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go talk to one of my loved ones about an issue we had this morning.