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Why Don’t We Care Anymore And How Can We Change This?

May 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment

We're Still Looking For A Home For Him. Please Contact Me If Interested.

I was on the way to the airport today when I spotted a puppy running along the side of the street.  Cars were veering to avoid him and a biker was yelling to him to stop chasing him.  He was obviously a puppy, maybe 3 or 4 months old, but not a single person stopped to check up on him.  All they cared about was getting on with their lives.

I stopped.  It took a while to earn his trust but soon he was as playful as any 3 month old puppy.  He had scars of abuse and neglect on him but he was also willing to trust me.  I took him to the local shelter, thinking that was the best thing to do, but I was informed that he would be put down if no one picked him up after 4 days.  The center had too many abandoned dogs and too many of them were pit bulls like this little guy.  So I signed up to adopt him.

Because Hitting “Share” Is Just Too Damned Hard

When I got home I shared his story on facebook and tried to find him a permanent home.  My wife and I already have one rescue and, since we’re talking about kids, this is not the best of times to pick up a stray puppy.  I posted a picture and told his story.  I expected my friends to help, to share his story, to try and find him a home.  Almost none of them did.  Sure, some of them could have missed this update, some could be offline, some might never log into Facebook and some might have me on ignore.  All of these things are possible but they still don’t account for everyone.

These people were happy to share videos of babies crying, pictures of funny looking signs, their latest complaints about their life or some celebrity gossip, but only seven or eight put in the effort to help, for which I am eternally grateful by the way.  The rest apparently thought pressing the share button was too difficult a task in return for the possibility of saving a life.

Why Don’t People Care?

I’m not even talking about the people who would abuse a little puppy here, clearly there’s something wrong with them and I’m going to just write them off.  I’m talking about my friends.  I’m talking about people who seem to be perfectly normal, people who should care (about helping me with something I care about even if they don’t love animals) but don’t.  Is it really that difficult to share something?  Were they ashamed?  Did they think their friends would think less of them for trying to help a puppy?

Have we really become a nation of people who are ashamed for their friends to think they care about little things like an abused puppy?  Or do we just not care anymore?  Have we stepped over one too many homeless people, seen one too many war atrocity, heard one too many pleas for help and just stopped caring?  Have we become so overwhelmed with everything that needs helping that we don’t help even when we can?

Do What You Can

I can’t help all the puppies in the world, just like I can’t help all the homeless, just like I can save all the kids in warzones, just like I can’t protect all the rain forests in the Amazon.  But there are things that I can do, and those I will do with all my heart.  I help the homeless when I can, I volunteer in my community when I can, I donate to various causes when I can and I will save this puppy if I can.  I do this because I think it’s not enough to just live in this world and it’s not enough to just sit around and enjoy my little piece of life.  I want to live knowing that I make a difference, that I matter, even if it’s just in the life of one little abused puppy.

What about you?

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And my eternal thanks to those of you who did share that Facebook post.  You restore my faith in humanity with a simple click of a button.

Filed Under: Empathy, Family, Friends Tagged With: , , , , ,

Let’s Start A Cult!

June 4, 2011 By 7 Comments

Cult directionsNo, no, hear me out a second. I’m not suggesting some cult where we all wear robes, chant a lot and eventually kill ourselves. I’m talking about the kind of cult where we meet people like ourselves, enjoy hanging out with one another, help each other out and find ways to improve ourselves and the world around us. I guess this would be more of a secret society, but since this is a public blog post, it can’t be very secret.

Seriously though, aren’t you sick and tired of people who don’t get you?  Aren’t you frustrated with having political or economic discussions with folks who don’t understand the issues and may not even care about them?  This drives me insane by the way.

We have a huge and complex world around us, one with problems and issues that have a direct impact on us, but most people could care less about anything beyond their little world.  Their attitude seems to be “as long as I get what I think is owed me, I don’t care about anything else.”

This bothers me because I want to help.  I want this world to be a better place for me, my loved ones, my friends and for everyone else around me.  So I get frustrated when I meet people who just don’t seem to care about anything other than themselves.  They don’t understand that they are a part of this world, a part of this society, and that the best way to help themselves is to help the world around them.

That’s what I want to change.  I want to create a network of people who help eachother.  Call it a cult, call it a secret society or call it the grand conspiracy if you will.  All I want is like minded people who care about themselves and the world around them. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Confidence, Drive, Empathy, Family, Friends, Honesty, Networking, Respect, Responsibility Tagged With: , , , , ,

How To Win An Argument

September 14, 2010 By 2 Comments

Have you ever found yourself in an argument? Of course you have, everyone has. I’m sure even the Dalai Lama occasionally gets annoyed at the people who launder his robes and starts telling them they’re incompetent jackasses! Well, ok, the Dalai Lama probably doesn’t do that, but unless you’re a spiritual leader who has attained some sort of state of nirvana, you’ve had plenty of arguments with people ranging from complete strangers to your closest friends and loved ones. How have you done? Have you won those arguments?

Actually, let me ask a better question, have you lost any of those? Think carefully here because, if you’re like me, you probably can’t remember too many arguments which you lost. Now consider the fact that most people are just like us. They too cannot remember a time in which they lost an argument.

So what’s going on here? How can it be possible that no one has ever lost an argument? Are we all arguing with ourselves? Are we arguing with our imaginary friends who we always beat in a spirited debate? Nope, the answer is simple, we don’t think we lost any arguments because we cannot comprehend that possibility. We’re so entrenched in our opinions that we simply cannot see the possibility of being wrong. Actually, let me correct that. Once we get into the mindset of a heated argument, we close ourselves off to the possibility that our viewpoint can be wrong. This is an important distinction because I’m about to teach you a magic trick to win those important arguments with the people who matter the most. Ready for it? It’s simple. Stop arguing.

The Awful Truth of Arguments

You cannot win an argument once it’s escalated into the realm of anger, frustration and other heated emotions. You can bring the most incontrovertible proof to the discussion and your opposition will still not admit they’re wrong. They will call you names, bring your credibility into doubt, pull in other unrelated issues and the whole thing will spin out of control. And yes, you’ve done these things too.  Don’t lie. We all do it. When we get angry and argumentative all bets are off.

I’ve seen people say the most awful things when they argue, hurtful things that have no business being said to complete strangers, much less loved ones and friends, and all because we argue. So I want you to carefully listen now because I care about you, I want you to be happy and in order to be happy you need to have good relationships.

Another Awful Truth About Arguments

Arguments are the destroyers of good relationships. They leave scars that last far beyond the time when the argument itself was forgotten. They tear up connections and replace them with nothing but pain and hateful memories. They cause you to belittle and insult the people that you love, just because you want to feel right. It’s not worth it. As someone who once nearly destroyed his marriage over a stupid argument about dishes, you have to believe me, it’s not worth being right if it means destroying your relationships. Heck, it’s not even worth it to be right if it means hurting a total stranger.

The Solution

So what’s the answer? If arguing never leads to anything good, how do we stop it? We still need to resolve things, don’t we? Of course. I’m not saying we shouldn’t resolve things, I’m just saying you need to stop before things get heated and out of control.  Next time you feel yourself getting heated about some discussion, stop and ask yourself, is being right worth hurting the person I’m talking to? If I continue this way will I achieve anything productive? If you need to, take a break from the discussion, go for a walk, pet the dog, do whatever it is you need to do in order to calm down. I would also highly recommend considering the other side’s point of view and reminding yourself that they’re not really out to hurt you.

I know it sounds difficult but it’s worth it. Yes, It’s going to require a degree of self control to do this, but once it becomes a habit, you will never have those fights you end up regretting, and that’s worth it. There is no argument worth more than hurting the people you love. Furthermore, you will never change their mind when you get into that mode. They will dig in deeper as will you and the only result will be pain and misery. No, if you want to win an argument, stop it before it happens.  If it did happen, stop it, make a true apology and then have a genuine discussion where both sides discuss what they think, why they think it and what’s the best resolution for the problem.

Now If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go talk to one of my loved ones about an issue we had this morning.

Filed Under: Communication, Empathy, Family Tagged With: , , ,

Love Your Enemy? Maybe Not, But At Least Try To Understand Them

July 30, 2010 By 2 Comments

It frustrates the hell out of me when people go into a conversation assuming the other person is wrong.  You see this all the time in politics but you also see it in day to day life.  We all do it to some extent and we seem to be doing it a lot more in the past few years.  Rather than going into a situation assuming that the other person could have a good point or two and that, even if they don’t, their motivation is probably good, we just assume they’re stupid, or evil, or both.

“My mom is annoying, she just wants to ruin my life!”

My mother used to constantly annoy me with her constant attempts to feed me and nonstop calls.  Even though I was trying to lose weight and get in shape, there she was offering me treats, making my favorite (unhealthy) foods and constantly telling me about all the good dishes she had waiting for me at her house.  This would drive me crazy.  Couldn’t she see that this was getting in the way of my goals?  Plus why oh why could she not stop calling me?  She would call me to say hi, call me to ask me how my dog was doing, call me to complain about her boss and on and on and on.  Why couldn’t she see these were things I had no interest in talking about?  I’m a busy guy, leave me alone.  Honestly, there was a part of me that thought she was doing it specifically to annoy me.  Except that part me was being stupid.

You know why my mother tried to tempt me with food and pester me with calls about inconsequential stuff?  Because in the years after I graduated from college my mother and I had grown distant.  Our relationship was strained and there were many times in which we didn’t speak much to one another.  She wasn’t trying to annoy me or sabotage my health goals, she was trying to reconnect with me and doing so in the best possible ways she knew.  Could she have thought through her methods a bit better?  Sure, but was there anything malicious or misguided in them?  Absolutely not.  She remembered how much I enjoyed food as a child and how much I loved dogs and was simply trying to reconnect in the best way she knew how.  Once I understood that, we found a number of better ways to reconnect and our relationship is now better than it has been in years.  The trick was in having empathy, in trying to see her side of things, in seeing her as a mother trying to love her child, not annoy him.

On To Politics

At this point, most of you are nodding your heads and thinking to yourselves, “wow! That Gal is an idiot, anyone can see that his mother was just trying to love him” and maybe you’re right.  However, if you think it’s so easy, why don’t you apply this same idea to something a bit harder?

Let’s try that same thing with something else, politics.  For me, the problem with modern politics is that we all assume our opponents are horrible people who are trying to destroy our country.  Again, very few people are actually out to destroy their own country.  Could they be trying to do something you oppose or disagree with?  Sure.  Could they be trying to do something for their own benefit which might be harmful to the overall health of the country?  Sure.  However, it’s highly unlikely that their main goal is to actually harm you.

I witnessed an argument a while back about a very contentious subject, abortion.  Both sides lacked any and all empathy for one another and in so doing they basically guaranteed that they would never resolve their argument.  The pro choice side assumed their opponents were out to oppress women while the pro life side assumed their opponents were out to kill babies.  The argument quickly devolved into name calling and accusations of murder on both sides.  Sounds productive, doesn’t it?  And yet, this is a microcosm of our political world in general.  Rather than trying to see the real reason for why the people we disagree with do the things they do, we automatically assume the worst.  They’re stupid, they’re evil, they’re out to do bad things, they’re out to harm us or possibly all of the above.

Understanding Does Not Mean Condoning or Agreeing With

Unfortunately, too many people refuse to try and understand why people do something because they equate it with condoning.  They confuse empathy with agreement.  Let me correct that here and now.  Trying to understand why someone performs an action in no way means you agree with it, condone it, support it or even like it.

I can try to understand why a criminal committed his crime, a murderer committed murder or a terrorist committed a horrible act without condoning or agreeing with them.  In fact, I think we must try to understand because without understanding motives we will never be able to stop such acts from reoccurring.  I can try to understand why a leader proposes a solution even if I don’t agree with it and understanding these motivations does not mean I have to support this idea.  I can understand why my boss acts the way he does and it really helps me get along with him even though I don’t agree with his actions.  Again, understanding does NOT mean agreement.  It simply means you understand why the other person is doing what they’re doing.  Once you understand all this, you can start applying this idea to everything from your mother to terrorists without worrying that this makes you a bad person.

And no, saying you understand because you think the other side is stupid, evil or both is not good enough.  Most people are not in fact evil or stupid, they simply have different motivations or belief systems than you do.  Your beliefs and their beliefs may not be compatible, but trying to understand their beliefs and motivations will give you a much greater chance at resolving the conflict.

A World of Possibilities

The day I understood this idea was an amazing day in my life.  It allowed me to see the world with new eyes.  No longer did I see people out to harm me.  Instead I saw people out to achieve their own goals, satisfy their needs and resolve their conflicts.  Instead of seeing potential enemies and obstacles, I saw potential allies and help.  All because I quickly saw many ways in which I could align my own goals with theirs or ways in which I could convince them to cooperate with me and still achieve their goals.  This was only possible because I took the time to understand their motivations.

So I don’t care how horrible you think the other person is or how horrifying you think their actions are.  Always try to understand WHY they do what they do and always assume they’re doing it for reasons they believe are good and right.  Apply this idea to everyone from your mother and friends to politicians and terrorists.  It’s the only way we’re ever going to resolve some of these conflicts.  And who knows, maybe we’ll learn something new in the process.

Filed Under: Communication, Empathy Tagged With: , , , , ,